“i don’t want to crossdress”

Hi there. My original intent for tonight was to sit down and write the second part of my Halloween feature. I found something more important to write about, though.

You might say I focus too much on what brings people to my blog. I’m a total stats-page hound, and I love looking through the search terms and click-throughs. I won’t deny it – I’m an attention whore. When I was looking at today’s search terms that delivered people here, one of them stood out to me, “i don’t want to crossdress.”

First, let me get one thing out of the way – I searched this on Google to see how it led here. I’ve never written such a thing here, or in my life, really. For one reason or another, some string of words put my blog on the third page of Google’s results for this term. I will be clear – I want to crossdress.

With that out of the way, I want to respond to the person who queried this term earlier today, while at the same time I will be doing some existential soul-searching of my own. Here’s a letter for you, aforementioned Googler:

Hello Concerned Googler,

My name is Justine and I am a crossdresser. I’ve been crossdressing, on one sense or another for just over ten years, and only recently came out of the closet about my little hobby, and even then only to a few select people.

Here are the things I know about you:

• Statistically, you’re probably male.
• You prefer Google to Bing (good choice.)
• Your natural-language query makes me think you’re more young than you are old.
• You’re upset that you want to crossdress.

Not much, I know. I think I can offer you some help regarding that last bullet, though. After all, isn’t that why you came here in the first place?

I understand that when you search for something like, “i don’t want to crossdress” you’re probably looking for solutions. I can’t offer you any quick ones. Yes, there are some websites out there that will try to scare the crossdressing out of you. It may use guilt, religion, or some combination of the two, or something entirely different to do so, but either way, you might stop wanting to crossdress. The word solution here is a misnomer, however, as I believe it is unlikely to work. Stop and think for a second – a former crossdresser creates a website to stop people from crossdressing – this provides ample opportunities for said former crossdresser to speak to and look at pictures of crossdressers. He’s probably thinking about crossdressing fairly often. Maybe said former crossdresser is really a repressed crossdresser. Hence, not a solution.

I will admit, there are times I’ve thought to myself, “Man, wouldn’t life be easier if I wasn’t a crossdresser?” Now that I’ve been out for a few months, these thoughts have continued and I still wonder if I could or should stop. What would happen to me? Probably nothing overt, but I know it would bother me.

I don’t think people choose to be crossdressers. I don’t think people get to choose much about themselves, to be honest. I think everyone has a fetish. Some may be more socially acceptable than others. One man might have a breast fetish – that’s a pretty simple one to deal with, as it’s shared by millions of Earthlings every single day. Then there’s a shoe or foot fetish – kind of different, but not uncommon. On the far, far, far end of the spectrum, I would place someone with an unfortunate fetish for children, the kind that no one should ever act on as it not only is socially and morally reprehensible, but also absolutely never justified. I don’t know where exactly crossdressing fits on this spectrum – but I would probably liken somewhere around the middle. It’s safe,  there’s nothing morally wrong it, and while it may be considered socially bizarre, it very rarely is unjustified. (I can think of a few instances if you’re curious – using someone else’s clothes, inappropriate time/location, etc.)

Let’s focus on the moral and social aspects of crossdressing, though. Escape your conflicted brain for one second to look at things from a different perspective. Morally, I don’t see anything wrong with crossdressing. If you’re honest with yourself and others about it, you’re not hurting anyone emotionally or physically. Socially, it is considered strange, but then again just a few decades back it was strange for women to wear pants. Things change. I think society’s opinion on male crossdressers has already begun to, albeit slowly. You should know this, Mr. “i don’t want to crossdress” – there is nothing wrong with wanting to crossdress.

I know that might come as a shock to your system. After all, not wanting to crossdress is in your name. I hate to break it to you, though…. but I don’t think your desire to crossdress is going to stop. There are countless crossdressers who have purged their en femme belongings, only to regret it later and begin anew. There are thousands of men who deny their impulses and urges, only to have them, become a mental health issue – something that gets in the way of their love life, relationships and ability to find happiness. Many of these men later come to terms with their desires, only to find the ability to breathe more easily and be happier with themselves. I think that coming to terms with your desire to crossdress and accepting it is one of the best things you can do. Denial, no matter the form, is never healthy and can pop up in the most unexpected and unfortunate places and any time.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think accepting a desire to crossdress is an easy thing. I mean, I was closeted for about ten years, and for almost five of those I was dating my girlfriend. It’s a slow process, one I think with many steps, and important decisions. You may decide you never want to crossdress, but I don’t think it’s possible to decide that you don’t want to crossdress. I think that is part of who are you, whether you like it or not.

If you’re still not convinced that acceptance is the path for you, let me share this quick anecdote.

When I told my girlfriend about my desire to crossdress it was like the world unburdening itself. No longer would I stay awake at night wondering if I would ever truly be able to be happy with myself. I slept more easily, felt better about myself and my life. I genuinely believe I am happier person now than I was before, all because I told the truth. I accepted myself, and now others did as well. (Do note, results when sharing my vary, but I don’t think you’re to that part just yet.)

At this point, I want to reiterate that there’s no denying that you’re unhappy with your desire to crossdress. I can’t blame you – it’s not always an easy life choice. But the fact that you’re bothered to the point that you Googled it, and then found my blog on the third results page tells me you’re looking for an answer that suits you and you haven’t found it yet. I hope that here I’ve laid out an argument in defense and support of crossdressing.  Remember – crossdressing is not wrong, nor is it evil. It may not be accepted yet, but if that’s the case don’t share it with anyone you’re not comfortable with. Crossdressers are normal people, who happen to have an uncommon hobby. Help make it more common and more accepted. Maybe you’ll be happier.

Thanks for reading,

Justine

Alright. I hope that wasn’t too preachy. Lately I’ve questioned what would happen if I just decided to stop crossdressing. I’m smart enough to know that I can’t, and that I don’t have to, but I still wonder – is it necessary? What do I lose if I don’t do it?

The answer is an easy one. I lose my happiness, my freedom and the ability to fully be myself. I don’t know if I’ve fully realized who I am, yet, but being Justine, even just sometimes, is an important step to figuring it out. (Note: Do not interpret this as me wanting sexual reassignment surgery. I’m all cool with my nether regions, tucking aside.)

One a vainer note, here’s a question. I spent a good two hours today trying to hide my eyebrows using wax, foundation, powder and eye pencils. Everything looks terrible. Admittedly, I have quite the bushy brows, but if anyone has any suggestions on how to make masculine eyebrows look feminine without shaving them, please let me know!

Okay. I’m done for now. Hopefully this post helps someone somewhere.