I’ve been delaying writing a post about the internet since I started writing this blog last month. This is partially because I feel like it is going to be a long post, and I don’t like writing long posts. My delay is also due to the fact that there are some aspects of my internet-related crossdressing experiences that I am hesitant to reveal, but alas, probably will anyway.
When I first started to delve into crossdressing I did not realize the breadth of information the internet had to offer. Somehow – I don’t remember how exactly – I wound up on StorySite.org. For those uninitiated, or unwilling to click, it is essentially user-submitted trans-fiction.
I think it is imoportant and telling that I stumbled upon crossdressing fiction before any photo or personal sites. Fiction, or text in general, I think, was a good ease in to the crossdressing world. As a thirteen year old crossdresser-in-training I was afraid of my hobby – what it was and what it meant. Reading something, in my mind, was certainly less deviant than looking at something, or doing something. This was a double-edged sword, however. Yes, I wasn’t actually looking at anyone crossdressing, but I was instead expanding my crossdressing vocabulary and imagination in ways a photography couldn’t possibly.
I gravitated towards one author, Janet L. Stickney. I have no idea who Janet actually is, or if I should actually be writing, “Janet.” What I do know was that at the time these were my favorite stories because often times I wished I was the main character. Reluctant, but not forced, feminization. Young boys accidentally finding themselves in situations where their families or friends would help them dress up for social situations – and lo and behold – every time they were beautiful! Having re-read a number of these stories recently out of curiosity I now see how repetitive and simple they are. Often times the characters have easy-outs of situations, but choose to ignore them. Most of the characters at some point realize they like dressing up, and after some denial, eventually embrace it – much like the readers.
Reading these stories allowed me to live vicariously through the characters and provided a safe outlet for a young crossdresser. I realize there are many other types of trans-fiction – forced feminization, rape stories, etc. I’ve read some of them, experimentally, but they’re not for me. Just like every crossdresser has his own unique crossdressed self, fiction tastes are equally different.
I don’t think I’m alone in my evolution of internet-related crossdressing content. When I stopped secretly dressing up in my mother’s clothes around eleventh grade my interest in fiction started to become an interest in pictures. First, crossplay.
I was always very careful about keeping my computer clean – that is – constantly deleting history, cookies and caches. My StorySite visits almost always happened on the family computer when nobody was home or in the room. It is no coincidence then that my interest in photographs and pictures began at the same time I got an internet connection in my room. Despite my computer cleanliness I think crossplay was easier for me to look at because I felt I could justify it. “Oh, I was just looking at a section of a cosplay site” is a lot easier to explain than looking at pictures of crossdressers. The cosplay.com forums were a popular place for me to lurk. Especially the “Can I Pass?” threads where people would post pictures and ask for opinions.
I loved looking at pictures of people who were bold enough to dress up. Comfortable enough to talk about it with somebody, even if was just online. To this day I remember the first time I took my interest in photographs to another level.
Even though I was always aroused by reading StorySite, I never masturbated to it. After reading, I would always pull up a tradition pornographic photo and masturbate to that instead. I was guilty about being turned on by crossdressing. Looking at photos was no different. Yes, I am straight, but crossdressing and henceforth, crossdressers, are a turn on. One night I decided to keep the photograph of a crossplayer open in a tab behind my regular material. Overtime, I stopped trying to justify it and the tabs stopped.
I don’t know if I should feel guilty. There are a few things I could feel guilty about.
Is masturbating to the anything crossdressing-related wrong? No, I don’t think so – there’s nothing to be ashamed about with a fetish – especially when you’re a teenager and first discovering your body.
Is masturbating to pictures of crossdressers wrong? I don’t know. I’ve had this debate before with people – just change the question to be about pictures of people on Facebook.
I try to justify it by explaining that nothing is actually happening to the people in the photographs. They have no idea what their photographs are being used for, so it really shouldn’t affect them. If a real girl uploads a photograph of herself in a bikini and a guy masturbates to it – did he do something wrong? The girl doesn’t know about it, the guy is happy, and everyone moves on with their lives. It’s a tricky area and to this day I still don’t know what is right.
Moving on – Cosplay.com eventually became more websites. Crossplay.com was a popular destination, along with countless blogs. Jessica Spirit, Aubrey Frost, Sarah Myles and more. Unfortunately, many of these sites are no longer with us.
Eventually Flickr came along and opened me up to thousands of other wonderful crossdressers. YouTube was, and still is wonderful. JayeKayeTV, to this today, maintains an amazing favorites list of the best crossdressing videos online. Make-up tutorials, before and after videos, music videos, performances and more. JayeKayeTV’s channel has probably been more motivating for me as a crossdresser than another website. It also made me wish Japanese game shows caught on in America (not just Ninja Warrior.)
Today there are a number of wonderful crossdressers online. The bloggers and websites that I follow today, and I wish were around when I was younger include Jessica Who, Gabreilla Hermosa and Elizabeth of MyWeekendShoes. I also lurk on the crossdressing subredit, with the aspiration to eventually either post a picture or a link to this blog.
So there’s that. Wow. I feel like the end of this post was a bit rushed – maybe I’ll elaborate on it more later. Either way, I have to wonder if my experiences mirror those of other crossdressers. Lately I am anxious to talk to other CDs – be part of a community. I would like, one day, to at least be friendly with other CDs. Lurking online is not the same as taking part in constructive conversations.