Laptop exploded on Wednesday shortly after my Thanksgiving post. Fortunately, good deals on new computers this weekend mean I’ll be able to post normally again this weekend. This works out nicely, because there were good deals on new clothing too.

Normal-type posts to resume Sunday, musings and pictures galore. For now, photo editing software on my tablet will have to do.

I hope everyone enjoys the sales this week, I’m excited that since this is my first holiday season out of the closet, there certainly more presents I’ll be able to buy myself. 🙂

Thanksgiving Fashion Show

Hello all! I’m in a great mood tonight. Thanksgiving break has arrived, and with it a number of my favorite things.

Thanksgiving with my family is always great. Usually my parents would host, but due to Sandy that’s not in the cards this year. Instead, we’re all heading out to an aunt and uncle for delicious meals and political “discussion.”

The real treat, though, is the day after Thanksgiving – in which all my friends get together for a pot-luck dinner. The only rule – you can’t bring anything that would be found at the Thanksgiving table. This is our ninth annual celebration and my girlfriend and I are hosting this year.

What makes me really excited about this is that, after looking at the guest list, almost all of the 17 RSVPs know that I crossdress at this point. The ones that don’t? It’s only because I haven’t had the chance to tell them. Does this mean I’m going to crossdress at the party…. well… at the moment, let’s say no. But nothing is set in stone, and you’ll see why later.

In addition, this break also brings a good friend’s birthday party, and a trip to MetLife Stadium to see the Giants play the Packers. My girlfriend is a Packers fan, and I don’t really care who wins, so either way it should be a good time.

The reasoniest reason that I’m in a good mood though? Clothes arrived! Last week when I was feeling down, and need to motivate myself to get some work-work done, I decided to go on a motivational shopping spree. I heard about a clothing site called Venus and saw a lot of really great looking, mostly affordable things. Here are the results, one at a time.

Red Dress

Sweater Dress

First down the aisle is a dark maroon v-nek sweater dress, along with high black boots. You might notice that I’m wearing another wig – this is actually the first real wig I ever got – for some reason I felt inspired to wear it tonight. I think I’m falling in love with it again. I later switched to my lower, my velvety slouch boots. I think they look better with the wool. Also, please ignore my hairy hand.

Ruched Skirt, Bow Neckline Top

Ruched Skirt, Bow Top

Now we have what I’m calling my “going to work” outfit. It’s classy and just a little bit sexy. The skirt is quite slimming, and the neckline of the shirt has a cute built in bow. I also now have something to wear my heels with! In addition, my butt looks quite good in the skirt, which is always a plus.

Belted Sweater

Belted Sweater

Last, but certainly not least we have the belted-sweater. You’ll notice the woven collar, and the built-in-belt. The dress can be worn with jeans (pictured) or leggings and does a wonderful job hugging all curves. The boots are the aforementioned slouch boots, which pretty much look good with anything.

So there you have it – my Thanksgiving fashion show. I’m undoubtedly going to be making many more purchases from Venus, and I think, after seeing this pictures, I don’t have to defend myself. Something about these outfits (whether it’s mental or physical, I don’t know) makes me feel really good about myself. So good, in fact, that I’m almost tempted to wear either outfit 1 or 3 to my Pot Luck Thanksgiving with friends on Friday. It’s unlikely, but time will tell. I need to run the idea by a few people first.

Also please note, there are a lot more pictures on Flickr. As you can tell, I had a really good time wearing these outfits, so it’s only natural that I wanted a lot of pictures. Do remember – you can only see them if you add me as a friend. Then I have to add you back. I will not add anyone who has a brand new account that provides ZERO information. This is to avoid the potential of one of my students stumbling upon the blog and trying to access my pictures. I hope that’s understandable.

That all being said – go be thankful. Especially if you’re a fellow crossdresser, because there isn’t anyone as awesome as we are.

All It Takes

I guess all it takes to get over a little dressing related stress is to in fact, dress.

New wig came few days ago, ordered from Etsy. It’s the cheapest wig I’ve purchased, and one of my favorites. Double win. I wish there were a few more layers of hair to thicken it out a bit, but it’s not that big of a deal.

What’s the point of questioning why you want to dress? Even if it remains an unsolved mystery, so be it. Not going to question what makes me happy.

See what books you can recognize in the background

New Wig!

I’m enjoying myself so much, I think I’ll dress again on Sunday.

Figuring It Out

I didn’t dress up this weekend. I could have. It would have been easy to, especially considering there was an extended weekend due to Veterans Day.

And if you asked me why I didn’t dress up this weekend, I’m not sure I could tell you. There are a few moments that I think are relevant, leading up to this indecision.

During the week, my girlfriend said to me, “I’ve accepted the fact that you’re never going to be hairy again.” A bizarre statement, out of context, I know. I told her that my plan was to at least go into some point in December before shaving again (I haven’t since Halloween.) She doubted me, and said it was okay, and not a big deal anymore. This whole situation bothers me.

Do I come across with so little self-control that I’m not expected to make it until December without shaving again? When this whole crossdressing-thing started, one of the first things we discussed was how in a relationship, our individual bodies, in a way, become shared property. If she stopped shaving her legs, I would have a right to say something, just as she has a right to be upset over mine shorn.

I could easily look at this and say, “Oh great, shaved legs forever!” but that’s not how it works. I want to continue to be respectful of her preferences – if you enter a relationship expecting something, and then don’t get it, you’re bound to be upset. I can control myself and not shave, it’s not a big deal. (So concludes relevant thing #1.)

Going to bed Saturday evening, my original intent was to go to wake up the next day and spend the entire day dressed. Just because I wanted to and I could. When I woke up, though, the feeling was gone. It was early and I didn’t want to spend an hour getting dressed up to sit around the house and prepare for the upcoming work week. The desire to dress just wasn’t there.

I don’t know if it’s more of the euphoria wearing off or not, but the desire to dress just isn’t there right now unless there a specific purpose. I want to, and will, continue dressing. It is part of me. I just don’t want to do nothing with it. I need to go  places, see people and do things. Yes, I’m sure there will be plenty more times where I dress just to dress, but right now I just don’t have that oomph.

Based on my limited readings about crossdressing, the desire does sometimes ebb and flow. I’ve heard of crossdressers putting everything away for a year, only to find the desire rekindled out of nowhere. With me, I think it’s simply the boredom of what I do when I’m dressed, mixed with the frustration of not being able to push myself further.

In a sense, I could consider myself stuck. In the mental sense, I’m stuck with not being able to push myself further in what I do when I crossdress. In the physical sense, I’m also stuck. I know I can do a better (more believable job) dressing, I just can’t seem to figure out how. I need to improve my make up skills, and I need a better wig. My eyebrows are still at a disaster. Still, despite identifying these things, I’m not sure what the next step to take is. (So concludes relevant thing #2)

Now I reach a nexus – I have to ask myself, “Why do I crossdress?” And to be honest, I still don’t know. I’m not sure I ever will. Yes, it began as a fetish when I was younger, but that’s not an acceptable explanation anymore. I enjoy doing it, yes. But why? I go back and read some of my earlier posts and I seem overjoyed. (Side note – my generation is really great at too-soon-nostalgia.) Now I just feel kind of aloof about everything.

I know that can’t be completely true, though. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t shop-around online looking for the perfect wig, or new shoes. I’m clearly interested in the subject, based on my repeated visits to different crossdressing forums and websites. The spark just needs to be ignited.

I think the solution to all this is very simple, and a bit repetitive too, but it only came to me in the midst of writing this sentence. As the dopamine wears off, I need the new. New experiences, new items. New here can also qualify as better. I want to enjoy myself in ways that I have yet to while dressed – experience new things that will help me grow as a person. I also want to do a better job dressing, which I know is possible with practice and effort.

So there you have it. My melodramatic post of forlorn, self-discovery and rehabilitation all in one. To be honest, when I sat down to write this, it was going to be 100% high school emo. Once again, though, writing has proved to be somewhat therapeutic.

I need to talk with the girlfriend about the whole shaved legs conversation, that’s still something that will bother me until it’s worked out. I can say, though, that next weekend, most likely Sunday, I’m going to dress and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

One Of These Things

I hate posting twice in one day, but during my never ending quest to find the perfect wig (affordable, black, shoulder length, lace-front, with some bangs) I came across something golden.

Before you look ahead, some brief back story.

Google Images has a wonderful feature that allows you search using actual images as your query, rather than words. I found a great wig on ebay (affordable, shoulder length, lace front, with some bangs) except the color was off. In an effort to find another wig seller with the same wig styles, I used this Google Images feature. My results are below.

Just doesn't belong....

What doesn’t belong?

Can you figure out what doesn’t belong? Hmmmm….

Good Friends

Sometimes it’s not easy to write. Some people rely on writing at certain tables, others depend on a certain ink. I can write from pretty much anywhere, with just about anything. I just can’t force myself to do it.

Hurricane Sandy, while sparing me, hit my family fairly hard. After my blog post last week I spent three straight days helping my family. My family, in the house that I grew up, faced five feet of flooding in the basement and garage – both of which generally saw a lot of use. In addition, two cars were destroyed and today, almost a week after a storm they are still lack electricity, heat, cell service and all that other good stuff. Very fortunately, everyone is safe.

Spending so much time laboring to clean with them certainly brought everyone closer, but not in a way that has impacted us yet. It’s still the “I cant believe this happened” period, not yet the “Look back and laugh sadly” time. If there’s anything crossdressing-related I can take away from this is that when I do come out to my family, I think they will all be supportive no matter what.

This post is supposed to be about good friends, though, so let’s move on.

If you recall in an earlier post, I discussed one friend who had a not-quite-welcoming reaction to my coming out. Nothing negative, just general shock and disbelief. He too lost power and first-world life in wake of the hurricane and needed a place to stay. My girlfriend and I took him in over the weekend, which proved for good bonding in a time of need.

On Saturday I boldly suggested that I would go out to a bar dressed. My girlfriend, house guest, and two other friends in-the-know obliged pending my ultimate decision. Ultimately, I don’t think anyone particularly wanted to go out to a bar, so instead went over to our friends’ house for board games and moves. I went dressed.

At Home

After a night out with friends

Walking over dressed, without the shield of an umbrella this time, proved exciting. The fear of going short distances in the dark is certainly starting to wear off. Baby steps. That’s all. What mattered more to me is the fact that I was able to spend a good few hours dressed, with friends and no one made a big deal of it. Our time together would have been no different, regardless of what I was wearing. This meant more to me than anything else.

It’s these kinds of experiences that I think are necessary to build confidence and ultimately help me venture out into more populated areas during brighter times. I know I mentioned in my previous post going out en femme on New Years. That’s definitely a long shot, but further, larger steps are most definitely in the picture.

Eventually the goal is to be able to step out of the house without reservation regardless of what I am wearing. Like complete recovery from Sandy, this goal is long term and will certainly take time and patience. Both, though, are certainly attainable with the help of family and good friends.