When I was driving home from work this afternoon I started to think of this blog and its lack of updates.
I think the general trend is that when I dress more, I write more. Most of the time when I blog I am coming from Justine’s perspective. Usually, around February or March, I cease dressing up, in preparation for shorts-season, and with my wardrobe so goes my writing.
This summer I am getting married, so Justine was packed into the closet a little bit earlier than usual. I made this choice because I felt I should be extra careful my little secret doesn’t come out before the wedding. The last thing I want is for half of the crowd before me during the ceremony thinking, “I bet he’d rather be wearing that dress.”
After the honeymoon Justine will return, and with her the chance I finally talk to my family about her. Until then, I will just keep on keepin’ on.
I don’t remember what made me think of Justine while driving home today, but like usual, my mind resounded with the frequent question of, “Why do you do it?”
I don’t want to be a girl, but I have that feeling in the same that I don’t want to be a guy. I like the idea of having the flexibility to move between boundaries and norms depending on how I feel or what I’m in the mood for. I absolutely admit that guys have it easier. Men are the norm. The default. I have white privilege and male privilege. With the “advantage” of being male in mind, I think I can have the naivety to say that there are some things about being female that I enjoy that others might look at differently.
When I become Justine I become a canvas. Justine is a creative expression of mine. There are few people who try to change or experiment with their identity. I enjoy the work that it takes to become Justine. The clothes, the make-up and the overall design. Justine is an attitude I don’t normally get to express in an outlet that most people never experience.
Not only is Justine a creative outlet, but she allows me to emotionally be someone who I am not. For years there was a mix of pent up aggression and curiosity from my inability to share Justine with the world. Only in the past few years have I am been able to release that tension, and even today I still believe I am filled with segregated feelings that have not found a way to coexist in one person. Being Justine allows me to bleed through with some of those feelings, but I know there is a fuller, more complete, version of myself that has not yet come to fruition.
Like many crossdressers, there is the sexual aspect of it as well. I don’t understand it. I don’t know if its genetic, or based in some deeply disturbing psychoanalysis hidden away within me. I don’t think I’ll ever know. Regardless, it is there and it makes me happy, and for that reason alone I should not question it.
Justine will return. Two summers ago when I started coming out, Pandora’s box was opened. I don’t think closing it is an option now. I don’t think it ever will be. Yes, I speculate there will be rough patches, difficult choices and mixed emotions, but I can’t go back now, nor do I want to. Justine may be on hiatus, but she is here to stay. More soon, perhaps.