Figuring It Out

I didn’t dress up this weekend. I could have. It would have been easy to, especially considering there was an extended weekend due to Veterans Day.

And if you asked me why I didn’t dress up this weekend, I’m not sure I could tell you. There are a few moments that I think are relevant, leading up to this indecision.

During the week, my girlfriend said to me, “I’ve accepted the fact that you’re never going to be hairy again.” A bizarre statement, out of context, I know. I told her that my plan was to at least go into some point in December before shaving again (I haven’t since Halloween.) She doubted me, and said it was okay, and not a big deal anymore. This whole situation bothers me.

Do I come across with so little self-control that I’m not expected to make it until December without shaving again? When this whole crossdressing-thing started, one of the first things we discussed was how in a relationship, our individual bodies, in a way, become shared property. If she stopped shaving her legs, I would have a right to say something, just as she has a right to be upset over mine shorn.

I could easily look at this and say, “Oh great, shaved legs forever!” but that’s not how it works. I want to continue to be respectful of her preferences – if you enter a relationship expecting something, and then don’t get it, you’re bound to be upset. I can control myself and not shave, it’s not a big deal. (So concludes relevant thing #1.)

Going to bed Saturday evening, my original intent was to go to wake up the next day and spend the entire day dressed. Just because I wanted to and I could. When I woke up, though, the feeling was gone. It was early and I didn’t want to spend an hour getting dressed up to sit around the house and prepare for the upcoming work week. The desire to dress just wasn’t there.

I don’t know if it’s more of the euphoria wearing off or not, but the desire to dress just isn’t there right now unless there a specific purpose. I want to, and will, continue dressing. It is part of me. I just don’t want to do nothing with it. I need to go ¬†places, see people and do things. Yes, I’m sure there will be plenty more times where I dress just to dress, but right now I just don’t have that oomph.

Based on my limited readings about crossdressing, the desire does sometimes ebb and flow. I’ve heard of crossdressers putting everything away for a year, only to find the desire rekindled out of nowhere. With me, I think it’s simply the boredom of what I do when I’m dressed, mixed with the frustration of not being able to push myself further.

In a sense, I could consider myself stuck. In the mental sense, I’m stuck with not being able to push myself further in what I do when I crossdress. In the physical sense, I’m also stuck. I know I can do a better (more believable job) dressing, I just can’t seem to figure out how. I need to improve my make up skills, and I need a better wig. My eyebrows are still at a disaster. Still, despite identifying these things, I’m not sure what the next step to take is.¬†(So concludes relevant thing #2)

Now I reach a nexus – I have to ask myself, “Why do I crossdress?” And to be honest, I still don’t know. I’m not sure I ever will. Yes, it began as a fetish when I was younger, but that’s not an acceptable explanation anymore. I enjoy doing it, yes. But why? I go back and read some of my earlier posts and I seem overjoyed. (Side note – my generation is really great at too-soon-nostalgia.) Now I just feel kind of aloof about everything.

I know that can’t be completely true, though. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t shop-around online looking for the perfect wig, or new shoes. I’m clearly interested in the subject, based on my repeated visits to different crossdressing forums and websites. The spark just needs to be ignited.

I think the solution to all this is very simple, and a bit repetitive too, but it only came to me in the midst of writing this sentence. As the dopamine wears off, I need the new. New experiences, new items. New here can also qualify as better. I want to enjoy myself in ways that I have yet to while dressed – experience new things that will help me grow as a person. I also want to do a better job dressing, which I know is possible with practice and effort.

So there you have it. My melodramatic post of forlorn, self-discovery and rehabilitation all in one. To be honest, when I sat down to write this, it was going to be 100% high school emo. Once again, though, writing has proved to be somewhat therapeutic.

I need to talk with the girlfriend about the whole shaved legs conversation, that’s still something that will bother me until it’s worked out. I can say, though, that next weekend, most likely Sunday, I’m going to dress and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.