Figuring It Out

I didn’t dress up this weekend. I could have. It would have been easy to, especially considering there was an extended weekend due to Veterans Day.

And if you asked me why I didn’t dress up this weekend, I’m not sure I could tell you. There are a few moments that I think are relevant, leading up to this indecision.

During the week, my girlfriend said to me, “I’ve accepted the fact that you’re never going to be hairy again.” A bizarre statement, out of context, I know. I told her that my plan was to at least go into some point in December before shaving again (I haven’t since Halloween.) She doubted me, and said it was okay, and not a big deal anymore. This whole situation bothers me.

Do I come across with so little self-control that I’m not expected to make it until December without shaving again? When this whole crossdressing-thing started, one of the first things we discussed was how in a relationship, our individual bodies, in a way, become shared property. If she stopped shaving her legs, I would have a right to say something, just as she has a right to be upset over mine shorn.

I could easily look at this and say, “Oh great, shaved legs forever!” but that’s not how it works. I want to continue to be respectful of her preferences – if you enter a relationship expecting something, and then don’t get it, you’re bound to be upset. I can control myself and not shave, it’s not a big deal. (So concludes relevant thing #1.)

Going to bed Saturday evening, my original intent was to go to wake up the next day and spend the entire day dressed. Just because I wanted to and I could. When I woke up, though, the feeling was gone. It was early and I didn’t want to spend an hour getting dressed up to sit around the house and prepare for the upcoming work week. The desire to dress just wasn’t there.

I don’t know if it’s more of the euphoria wearing off or not, but the desire to dress just isn’t there right now unless there a specific purpose. I want to, and will, continue dressing. It is part of me. I just don’t want to do nothing with it. I need to go  places, see people and do things. Yes, I’m sure there will be plenty more times where I dress just to dress, but right now I just don’t have that oomph.

Based on my limited readings about crossdressing, the desire does sometimes ebb and flow. I’ve heard of crossdressers putting everything away for a year, only to find the desire rekindled out of nowhere. With me, I think it’s simply the boredom of what I do when I’m dressed, mixed with the frustration of not being able to push myself further.

In a sense, I could consider myself stuck. In the mental sense, I’m stuck with not being able to push myself further in what I do when I crossdress. In the physical sense, I’m also stuck. I know I can do a better (more believable job) dressing, I just can’t seem to figure out how. I need to improve my make up skills, and I need a better wig. My eyebrows are still at a disaster. Still, despite identifying these things, I’m not sure what the next step to take is. (So concludes relevant thing #2)

Now I reach a nexus – I have to ask myself, “Why do I crossdress?” And to be honest, I still don’t know. I’m not sure I ever will. Yes, it began as a fetish when I was younger, but that’s not an acceptable explanation anymore. I enjoy doing it, yes. But why? I go back and read some of my earlier posts and I seem overjoyed. (Side note – my generation is really great at too-soon-nostalgia.) Now I just feel kind of aloof about everything.

I know that can’t be completely true, though. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t shop-around online looking for the perfect wig, or new shoes. I’m clearly interested in the subject, based on my repeated visits to different crossdressing forums and websites. The spark just needs to be ignited.

I think the solution to all this is very simple, and a bit repetitive too, but it only came to me in the midst of writing this sentence. As the dopamine wears off, I need the new. New experiences, new items. New here can also qualify as better. I want to enjoy myself in ways that I have yet to while dressed – experience new things that will help me grow as a person. I also want to do a better job dressing, which I know is possible with practice and effort.

So there you have it. My melodramatic post of forlorn, self-discovery and rehabilitation all in one. To be honest, when I sat down to write this, it was going to be 100% high school emo. Once again, though, writing has proved to be somewhat therapeutic.

I need to talk with the girlfriend about the whole shaved legs conversation, that’s still something that will bother me until it’s worked out. I can say, though, that next weekend, most likely Sunday, I’m going to dress and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

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5 comments on “Figuring It Out

  1. Ralph says:

    Question: Why do you feel you should push yourself to further in what you do? I think you’ll find the answer to that if/when you find the answer to why you crossdress. For each of us it’s a different answer. In my case, it’s *just* about the clothes — the way they feel on my body. So, thankfully, I don’t feel compelled to go out or shave or do makeup. (I say “thankfully” because gaining acceptance in this rural, conservative area would be suicide).

    Once I discovered that the dressing for me is entirely motivated by the tactile sensation, it was at once freeing and restricting. Freeing in the sense that I don’t have to spend hours making myself look just perfect… I can throw on a favorite dress and spend the day in my home office working comfortably. But restricting in the sense that I know there’s no way I could ever hope to pass, with my belly flab and extremely coarse hair that shows through my skin even right after I shave and my deep voice and skin perpeptually marked by tiny but annoying infections (follicilitis). So the only way I could go out dressed is if I went out as a man in a dress.

    As much as I wish the world could accept that some men like to wear dresses, it ain’t gonna happen and I’m not brave enough to fight that fight.

    Anyway, getting back to the idea of the urge waxing and waning… I think the reason most of us get rid of our stash periodically is not so much because the urge goes away but because we are trying to MAKE it go away — pressure from a spouse, feelings of guilt, worry that it makes us freaks, whatever. The couple of times I purged were certainly like that; I was hoping that getting rid of the clothes would get rid of the desire. If anything, it only made it stronger.

    I’ve been dressing so long now, it’s just a normal part of me. I just can’t think of getting into bed without a satin nightgown, or wearing nylon panties under my jeans when we go out, or sitting at my desk wearing anything that doesn’t have a skirt. When I do have to spend extended periods away from home I can wear jeans and t-shirts as long as I need to without feeling depressed or anxious, but… it just doesn’t seem right. It’s like leaving home without your cell phone — you got along without it just fine before you owned one, and you can function without it, but all day you’re going to reach for it and wish you had it.

    So the short answer is, don’t overanalyze. If you feel like dressing, great. If you don’t, great. Experiment some time and see how you feel *just* wearing the clothes but remaining (mentally and cosmetically) in male mode. Once you start breaking down the barrier between Justine and your male half, I think you’ll stress less about whether you do or don’t want to dress.

    • Justine says:

      Hi Ralph,

      Thanks for the thorough and thoughtful response. It’s much appreciated. When you talk about how for every person, the response to “Why do you crossdress?” is different, you are correct in the sense that we all have our own unique motivations, but further down you go on to talk about how “most of us” (probably all of us) have urges to crossdress that wax and wane. In all our differences, this seems to be a reoccurring theme. I think what this boils down to, is that our own individual motivations may be different, but in the end, we are the way we are because we’re wired that way.

      At this point, I don’t think I will ever purge. For one, I’m too cheap. Even if I exorcised the crossdressing out of me, I would probably save everything “just in case.” I also hope that I’ve come to terms with who I am as a crossdresser, however developing that acceptance may be.

      You’re right, though, that guilt is certainly playing in a part in this. The awkwardness I felt between myself and my girlfriend comes mostly from a self-imposed guilt. Yes, I’m paranoid and think there will always be covert undertones of sadness and frustration from my girlfriend, but after a brief conversation last night (regarding the original post) I know (and probably already knew) that she will accept me regardless of how hairy I am or what I am wearing. My challenge now is to come to terms that she is so accepting, despite my disbelief.

      As I write this, I’ve taken your advice. I’m dressed, with pads and forms, but only about half way. At this point it certainly does seem like second nature. When I started dressing, something like this seemed more exciting, but now I hardly even notice. This is bittersweet, because part of me always dreamed of being able to do what I’m doing now, but I also miss the “euphoria” part that I know can only be reattained by attaining the “new.” I just treated myself to a mini-shopping spree online that I hope will reignite some of the lost lust. The ability to constantly improve, and the competitive nature I feel crossdressing is certainly one of the reasons I do it – whether this is a bane or boon, I’m not sure.

      Thanks again for your wisdom. It seems to me that you have reached a peace with yourself, regardless of what you are wearing. In your words, you’ve “broken down the barrier.” I like that idea. I usually discuss myself male and female in two different ways, but in the end they’re just two different expressions of the same person. I will keep that in mind in the coming days.

      Justine

      • jessxdress says:

        I’m in agreement with Ralph on this one as I have never had the need to continuously emulate women to the point of needing to look perfect. Makes sense that you don’t feel the need to dress to the nines on a Saturday just to lounge around, does your girlfriend get all dressed up to lounge? I just wear whatever strikes me and don’t see two halves of my wardrobe and no need to separate them, I just have a much larger selection than most other men. Take a deep breathe, relax and go with what you feel like and if that means a skirt and a t-shirt so be it.

  2. […] have been working on this post for a little while and Justine’s post Figuring it all out brought me back to it.  So after a month with some rewriting and a lot of proofreading I present […]

  3. Pat Scales says:

    This was a thoughtful post. I am quite a bit older than you and it may have taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now but during that period I have had a wonderful marriage, raised a few wonderful children and started and am nearing the completion on a working career. All the while I have been a crossdresser. I wear panties and pantyhose under my slacks almost daily and wear dresses and heells when the opportunity arises.
    The only person who knows me as a guy who likes woman’s wear is my wife.
    I do not see myself as two people. I am more comfortable thinking of myself as a multifaceted individual. I think we are all somewhat multifaceted. You wake, you cook, you drive a car, you eat, you dress, you do lots of things. Being a CD is just one additional factor of the entire person that you happen to be.
    At my age and with my personal circumstances the opportunities to dress and get out are limited. Times are changing. Tolerance levels are changing. I hope that you are able to enjoy the dual gendered life that may reside within you. It already seems that your girlfriend has reached some level of acceptance that your penchant for woman’s wear is part of you and she may be wise enough to realize that there is a benefit to being with a man who has a gentler side.
    Good luck in all your endeavors.
    Pat

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