(Originally written August 15th, 2012)
Am I moving too fast following my new semi-out of the crossdresssing closetness? Maybe it only seems that way because it “taboo,” or maybe I should just embrace my new found openness and buy everything that I’ve wanted over the past ten years.
It seems like every time I see a commercial, TV show, or actual female with something unexperienced I want to try it as soon as possible. The way tight jeans feel around your legs. The way boots can climb up over those jeans. The feeling of a hoop earring dangling, weighing on your lobe. The feel of a heel being kept on by a strap at the top of your foot. All of these new sensations are irresistible to me.
I have always been a very tactile person, wanting to feel my way through things, relying on touch as a trustworthy, enjoyable an reliable sense. I think that one of the reasons I enjoy crossdressing as much as I do is because of all these unique tactile sensations. Just describing the way my leg feels in panty hose or the freeness of wearing a skirt is arousing.
I realize, though, after reading My Husband Betty, by Helen Boyd, that this idea I have created of the female-me is one that represents my male-oriented view of what woman is. I want to respect women and not portray a female stereotype in how I dress, but at the same time these are the things that bring comfort to me.
I don’t think I have been that bad in terms of reinforcing a man’s view of women in how I have dressed, though. Yes I’m using make-up, wearing skirts, etc., but I don’t think I’ve done anything too outlandish. I need to ask my girlfriend what she thinks about the subject.
I told my girlfriend about my crossdressing just about a month ago today and it was a wonderful decision, despite the circumstances. Yes, I have done a lot in terms of crossdressing in the past month, and I will continue to do a lot more. It makes me happy and it something I care passionately about – in terms of myself doing it, and also changing the public perception of it. I know this is something new, and difficult, but it is an issue I’d like to pursue.
Some more personal goals of mine, updated, now include:
1. Stop biting my nails and take care of them better.
2. Lose some weight. I want to look good on Halloween.
3. Go out in public. To a bar or just around the street once at night.
4. Tell more people. Leave the closet behind.
5. Maybe get my eyebrows threaded. Maybe.
Lofty, I know, but all within reach.
One more thing to add before this ends. When I crossdresser I will call myself Justine. At first I didn’t think I needed or wanted a name for when en femme, but I realize that it really is a separate identify with its own personality and deserves to be recognized as such.